My apology letter

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I had a lot of regrets and I
had to speak of them openly,

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So I wrote a letter of apology
in the press to my victims

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or to their relatives because many
of them were not alive anymore.

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I also said in the same
letter that I had forgiven

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those who had harmed me or my people.

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And I meant partially the Christians also

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who were my comrades,
then enemies, and now friends.

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And since then I promised
to myself and promised God

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and humanity if you like to try to redeem

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and to try to prevent anyone
really to go through the same cycle

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I went through to use
violence for any change.

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Violence does not lead to
anything but to more violence

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and it not only kills the other
but it kills also your humanity

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and you become a beast
or I don't know what.

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When my I issued my letter
of apology if you like

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I didn't know what
would be the reaction.

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My family was very afraid
especially my wife.

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But she was backing me

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because she went through
the same cycle like me you know

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and we met during the Civil War.
She was also a Resistor if you like.

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So

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the night I was going to, I was
expecting the media to publish it

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I received calls already
asking me not to do it

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because I would be accusing my
group or the community etc.

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But I said let me check.

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I went back to what I had written

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and read it again.
I only spoke of myself.

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I never spoke of a group
or accusing anybody else but me.

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So I told them
this is not the case.

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You don't have to worry but still they
were very annoyed you know.

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I had to pull off telephones
so that I could do it

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without being annoyed.

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The shocking thing that
among my former enemies

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now I had enemies from both sides.

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But let's speak of the Muslims

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and those of from
the Muslim side, let's say,

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I received very positive reactions.

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Of course it was not anonymous,

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but I had the really
extraordinary reactions you know

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as if they were waiting

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for someone from the Christian
side to say what I had said.

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Really waiting. And you know
they were eager to hear something

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that would help them
to accept you know

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the new situation
Lebanon was was living.

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As from the Christian side you know
reactions were quite different.

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You know the majority were
shocked by what I had done

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and felt that I was a traitor once
again you know to the Christian cause

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or to the Christians.

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And they most of them

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or even everybody in Lebanon thought
that I was trying to clear myself

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and to get ready to go back
to a political life you know

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in the new Lebanon you
know the post-war Lebanon.

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But later on they discovered
that this was not the case.

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No, but I was really
speaking from the heart

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and addressing hearts you know.

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And so among the Christians

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apart from those who
thought that I was a traitor

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some came and told me okay,

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you have known this
change of heart maybe,

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and you have regrets,

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but why do it publicly you know.

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Others said, okay but you should
maybe have waited for a Muslim

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to do it first and then
you could follow.

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And if that was the case I
would have stayed till today

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and done nothing you know.

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And because when you are
the first one to awake

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you don't sleep until
the others wake up.

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No you wake up and you
help them to wake up maybe.

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This is the idea behind it.

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At the end I had the chance
to wake up before before others.

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Some I met even in the street

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I remember still a scene that
I will never forget someone.

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In fact, we met in the corridor
of a hospital and he came crying

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and embraced me saying

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you know you did something that
we all felt like we needed doing

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but we never really did it you know.

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So yes the reactions
were quite different.

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You know quite
quite different.

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Now, did it help or not.

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I really think that it helped.

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It helped on many levels.

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First, as I told you because
later on I met some politicians

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and some writers and philosophers
Arab philosophers

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who said that what I had done

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and one of them that I respect a lot

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now he is dead too
but he is dead really

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once publicly shouted

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Assaad Chaprari you saved
the Christians of Lebanon

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by what you did.

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Of course I did not see it
this way but this is what

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how he expressed it you know.

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As a Muslim this meant a lot to me

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because this meant also that he was
expecting something from the Christians

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that never happened.

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Long years for long years you
know he was waiting for this

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Now, yes I think that it helped

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because it became a kind of request

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that all normal Lebanese
are asking for you know

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that we need to reconcile
we need to apologize

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we need similar things.

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And the best example that
I have is the other fighters

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today who are working we are working
as a group as a team you know

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and they are not Christians.

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So, yes at a certain level
Muslims also are now

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working for ex-fighters are working
for peace and working for change

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and express publicly

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you know maybe not in
the media as a direct message

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and direct thing like I did

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but they are addressing in parallel
with me when we sit together

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and speak together their way and
they regret the use of violence.

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This is a good really good example
of some good results you know.

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I could speak for hours you know

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after a longest experience of 60 years

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of addressing the public
in Lebanon or outside about

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excellent reactions
or painful sometimes reactions.

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I just remembered now something
that happened in Canada once

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imagined that in Canada where

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after speaking publicly, we weren't
invited to a closer to a smaller group

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and a person sits of
a certain age and is silent.

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We were speaking and commenting
and no reactions to that.

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And at the end he says,
I would like to say something.

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I have been suffering for 25 years

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after the killing of nine of
my relatives

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in a Palestinian camp here
in Lebanon, Tel al-Zaatar,

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where huge attacks,
battles happened

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and where many many disappeared
were killed you know

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Palestinians were killed.

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They call it a massacre.

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And I would call it too a massacre
at the end of what happened

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at the end of the long
fight that happened there.

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He said, nine of my family,
close family, sister, parents,

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cousins were killed there.

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And for the first time since 25 years

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I feel as if I'm not sick anymore

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because I heard this gentlemen

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apologize in the name of those
who had killed my own, if you like.

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So you never forget his looks.

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You never forget his
way of saying it.

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You never forget what
you feel back then

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that even if people despise you
because of what you're doing.

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But at the end you are healing

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some of the wounds that you
and others have caused you know.