How to know that you have forgiven someone?

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How can you be sure that you
have actually forgiven someone?

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Just using the words
"I forgive you" doesn't mean

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you've necessarily
forgiven because remember

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forgiveness is what we call
heart work.

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It comes from the heart.

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And so it's a softening of the
heart in compassion and empathy

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toward the one who has hurt us.

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So if I say I forgive you,
I might just be in such shock

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about what happened
that I think I've forgiven.

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But give me another month
and I'm fuming with anger again.

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So proclaiming it is certainly good
because your intentions are right

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but it doesn't mean you
necessarily have forgiven another.

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When you begin to feel your heart
softening a little to the other,

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when you begin wishing
them well even a little bit

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where you hope that they
don't slip on the ice

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and hurt themselves today,

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you hope that they're doing
all right in their work today,

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even if you can't reconcile
with them,

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that's the beginning of forgiveness.

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That when you begin to wish
another person well

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you are on your way to forgiving.

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When you see that you're not
ruminating on what happened,

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we're not thinking all the time
about what happened,

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when you think about the other

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and the pain does not wash
over you,

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that's when you truly have
forgiven. When you begin to sense

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that that virtue of respect is there,

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that you can meet them
at the party and be civil,

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you can treat them
as a human being,

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you are on your way to forgiving.

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And when you truly and this is
the heroic endpoint of forgiving

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that not everybody reaches when
you are truly out for their welfare

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and you're willing to go
the extra mile with them,

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you're willing to help them
in your pain,

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you're willing to help them
in their betrayal,

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you know you have deeply forgiven.

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So forgiveness in its beginnings is
a little bit of softening of your heart.

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It's wishing them well a little bit

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and the deeper side of forgiveness
as you respect them as a person

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not because of what they've done

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but even in spite of what
they've done.

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And then you are concerned
for their welfare as a person.

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Then you know you have
matured in your forgiveness.